Home » Doctor jokes

Doctor jokes

Collection of maybe the funnies Doctor jokes in internet.

Mental Hospital

One morning. a nurse was tasked to check on some their patients’ progress and will send recommendations for release based on their improvement. She visited the recreation room where there were 4 patients.

Patient One was reading the bible. Complimented the patient and puts a check on the name.

Patient Two was working on a crossword puzzle. almost done. Check.

Patient Three was playing chess. keeping tabs of his moves. challenging himself. Check.

She comes to Patient Four. who was standing on the table. repeatedly shouting ‘I AM THE SUN! I AM THE LIGHT!’. The nurse asks the patient to step down from the table or else she’ll have the guards take him away back to his room.

As soon as Patient Four steps down. the other three patients suddenly stopped what they were doing. went on their way and bid everyone in the room ‘Goodnight!’

During my prostate exam

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”?

“Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Two guys camping in the woods

Two guys camping in the woods and one is bitten on the penis by a snake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.

He runs 10 miles to a small town and finds the only doctor for miles helping a woman deliver a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what you do. Take a knife, cut a huge X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agonizing pain. “What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. The friend said, “He says you’re going to die.”

Fred feared his wife Rhonda

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Rhonda, what’s for dinner?’ Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

A gain he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. ‘Rhonda, what’s for dinner?’

‘Damn it, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’

There’s a support group

There’s a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery…

The head of the group walks in and says, “I’m seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”

A couple went to a sex therapist’s office

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied. “She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare